It makes no sense.
He was cruel. He lied. He made you feel small, anxious, unworthy. He broke promises, ignored your needs, and left you crying more nights than you can count.
And yet.
You still miss him.
You miss him so much it physically hurts. You scroll past his name in your contacts and your chest tightens. You smell his cologne on a stranger and your throat closes up. You dream about him and wake up feeling gutted all over again.
And then you hate yourself for missing someone who hurt you so badly.
But here’s the truth: missing him doesn’t mean you’re weak, stupid, or broken. It means you’re human. And understanding why you miss him… really understanding it… is the first step to finally letting go.
You’re Not Missing Him… You’re Missing Who You Thought He Was
When you say you miss him, what you’re really missing is the version of him that showed up in the beginning.
The one who texted you good morning every day. Who laughed at your jokes and made you feel seen. Who looked at you like you were the only person in the room. Who promised you forever and made you believe it.
That version of him felt real. It felt safe. It felt like home.
But here’s the painful truth: that version was a performance. Not because he was a cartoon villain twirling his mustache, but because people in toxic relationships often show you their best selves first… and then slowly, slowly reveal who they really are once you’re already attached.
You’re grieving someone who never actually existed. You’re mourning a fantasy, a potential, a hope. And that kind of grief is brutal because you can’t get closure from a ghost.
Your Brain is Addicted to the Highs
Toxic relationships create a neurological rollercoaster that your brain becomes dependent on.
When things were bad… when he ignored you, criticized you, or withdrew… your stress hormones spiked. Your nervous system went into panic mode. You felt anxious, desperate, unmoored.
But then, when he finally came back… when he apologized, when he was sweet again, when he gave you just a crumb of affection… your brain flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. Relief. Euphoria. Connection.
That cycle of pain and relief is the exact mechanism that makes gambling, drugs, and yes, toxic relationships so addictive.
Right now, your brain is in withdrawal. It’s not craving him… it’s craving the chemical high that came from the relief of him being “good” again after being terrible.
That’s why you miss him even though you know, logically, that he was bad for you. Your brain hasn’t caught up to what your mind already knows.
You Miss the Future You Planned Together
You didn’t just lose him. You lost the future you imagined.
The trips you’d planned. The inside jokes you’d built. The life you thought you were building together. Maybe it was marriage, kids, a house with a backyard. Maybe it was just the comfort of knowing someone would be there.
When the relationship ended, all of those plans evaporated. And now you’re not just grieving what was… you’re grieving what could have been.
That loss is real. It’s okay to mourn it. But remember: the future you imagined was based on a version of him that didn’t actually exist. You were planning a life with someone who wasn’t capable of being that person.
The future you lost wasn’t real. But the future you can still build? That’s wide open.
You’re Confusing Familiarity with Love
You spent so much time with him… learning his routines, memorizing his moods, adapting to his needs… that he became familiar. Comfortable in the way an old pair of shoes is comfortable, even if they give you blisters.
And humans are wired to prefer the familiar, even when the familiar is painful.
Being without him feels disorienting. Your nervous system doesn’t know what to do without the constant low-level anxiety of managing his moods. Your days feel empty because you’re no longer spending all your energy trying to fix, please, or predict him.
That discomfort isn’t love. It’s withdrawal from a routine your body had adapted to.
Give yourself time. Your nervous system will recalibrate. The unfamiliar will become familiar. And one day, peace will feel more natural than chaos.
You’re Lonely… And He Feels Like the Cure
Loneliness after a breakup is crushing. Especially if he isolated you from friends, hobbies, or parts of yourself.
When you’re lonely, it’s easy to romanticize him. To forget the bad parts and remember only the moments when you felt less alone.
But here’s the thing: you were lonely with him too. Maybe even lonelier, because the worst kind of loneliness is feeling alone while lying next to someone who’s supposed to love you.
He’s not the cure for your loneliness. He was part of the cause.
What you’re craving isn’t him. It’s connection. Intimacy. Feeling known and valued. And you can find that again… but not with someone who made you feel small.
You Feel Guilty for Leaving
Maybe he didn’t “hit you.” Maybe he was going through something hard. Maybe he said he’d change, and you left before giving him “one more chance.”
So now you’re wondering: Did I give up too soon? Was I too harsh? Could I have tried harder?
No. No. And no.
You gave him more chances than he deserved. You stayed longer than you should have. You tried harder than anyone could reasonably expect.
And even if he was struggling, even if he had trauma or mental health issues, that didn’t give him the right to hurt you. You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You left because you had to. And that’s not something to feel guilty about… that’s something to be proud of.
How to Stop Missing Him
Understanding why you miss him is the first step. Now here’s how to stop.
Feel it without acting on it. Missing him is a feeling, not a fact. You can miss him and still not contact him. Feelings pass. Ride the wave without texting him.
Grieve the fantasy, not the reality. Write down all the ways he actually treated you. Not the highlight reel… the truth. Read it whenever you start romanticizing him.
Interrupt the thought spiral. When you start missing him, ask yourself: “What am I actually missing? Is it him, or is it feeling loved/safe/valued?” Then remind yourself that he didn’t actually provide those things consistently.
Fill the space he left. Reconnect with friends. Pick up hobbies you abandoned. Reclaim the parts of yourself you shrank to make room for him. The emptiness you feel isn’t a him-shaped hole… it’s a you-shaped one.
No contact. Seriously. Block him. Delete his number. Mute mutual friends who post about him. Every time you see his name, you reset the healing process. You can’t get over someone you’re still keeping tabs on.
Be compassionate with yourself. You’re not pathetic for missing him. You’re human. Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong, and some days you’ll ugly-cry in the Target parking lot. Both are okay.
Remember: missing someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you should go back. It just means you loved deeply. And that capacity for love? That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to protect… and give to someone who actually deserves it.
You’re going to be okay. Better than okay. You’re going to look back one day and realize you haven’t thought about him in weeks. And when his name does pop into your head, it’ll be with indifference, maybe even gratitude that you got out.
That day is coming. Keep going.
