Everyone says “go no contact,” like it’s simple. Like you can just block him and move on with your life.
But what if you share custody of kids? What if you work in the same office? What if all your friends are his friends too, and cutting him off means losing your entire social circle?
No contact isn’t impossible in these situations… but it does require strategy, boundaries, and a whole lot of self-discipline. Here’s exactly how to do it when cutting him out completely isn’t an option.
First: Understand What “No Contact” Actually Means
No contact doesn’t mean you never speak to him again. It means you eliminate all unnecessary contact and make the necessary contact as businesslike and emotionally detached as possible.
Think of it like this: you’re not trying to erase him from existence. You’re trying to stop feeding the emotional connection that keeps you stuck.
That means no late-night texts “just checking in.” No liking his Instagram posts. No asking mutual friends how he’s doing. No “one last conversation” to get closure.
If you have to interact with him for logistics… kids, work, shared finances… you keep it brief, neutral, and focused on the task at hand. Nothing more.
When You Share Kids: Gray Rock and Parallel Parenting
Co-parenting with a toxic ex is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. But it’s doable if you commit to two strategies: Gray Rock and parallel parenting.
Gray Rock Method: You become the most boring, uninteresting person he’s ever met. No emotional reactions. No arguments. No giving him ammunition.
When he tries to bait you… criticizing your parenting, making passive-aggressive comments, or picking a fight… you respond with neutral, factual statements.
Him: “You’re late again. You’re always so irresponsible.”
You: “I arrived at 3:07. Pick-up was scheduled for 3:00. I’ll aim to be on time next week.”
No apologies. No defensiveness. No explanations. Just facts. Be a gray rock: boring, unreactive, uninteresting.
Parallel Parenting: Forget the fantasy of “co-parenting” where you make joint decisions and present a united front. That requires mutual respect and cooperation… things you don’t have.
Instead, parallel parent. You do things your way during your time. He does things his way during his time. You disengage from trying to control what happens at his house.
Of course, if there’s actual danger or neglect, that’s different… document it and involve legal resources. But if it’s just “he lets the kids have too much screen time” or “he doesn’t enforce the same bedtime,” let it go. You can’t control him anymore. And trying will only drain you.
Use a Communication App: Apps like OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, or AppClose are designed for high-conflict co-parenting. All communication is logged, time-stamped, and can be submitted as evidence in court if needed.
Use these apps for all kid-related communication. Keep messages short, factual, and focused on logistics.
Bad: “Can you please, for once, remember to send Lily’s inhaler? She had an asthma attack last weekend because you forgot. This is exactly why I can’t trust you.”
Good: “Please send Lily’s inhaler with her next visit. It’s needed for her asthma management. Thank you.”
Stick to the facts. Save the venting for your therapist.
Set Clear Boundaries:
- Pick-ups and drop-offs happen at a public location (school, library, etc.)… not your home.
- Communication is limited to the app. No texting your personal number “in an emergency” unless it’s a true emergency (hospital-level).
- You’re not responsible for his schedule. If he forgets to pick up the kids, that’s on him… not you to swoop in and fix.
Your job isn’t to make his life easier. Your job is to protect your peace and your kids.
When You Share Mutual Friends: Let Them Choose (And Accept Who They Choose)
This one stings. You’re going to lose some friends in this. That’s just the reality.
Some people will “stay neutral” by inviting both of you to events and expecting you to play nice. Some will believe his version of the story. Some will disappear because dealing with “drama” makes them uncomfortable.
Let them go.
The friends worth keeping will respect your boundaries without making you explain yourself. They won’t pressure you to “just get over it” or tell you they “don’t want to pick sides.” They’ll show up for you, period.
How to Handle Group Events:
If you’re invited to something where he’ll be there, you have three options:
- Don’t go. It’s okay to skip events where you know he’ll be present, especially early in the healing process. Your mental health matters more than someone’s birthday party.
- Go, but set a time limit. Show up, stay for an hour, and leave. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. “I have another commitment” is a full sentence.
- Go and completely ignore him. If you do attend, pretend he doesn’t exist. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t acknowledge him. If someone tries to force a conversation between you two, excuse yourself to the bathroom.
What to Say When People Ask:
You don’t owe anyone the full story.
“We’re not together anymore, and I’m not discussing it. I’d appreciate it if you respected that.”
If they push, they’re not your friend.
Trust Who People Show You They Are:
If someone stays close with him after knowing what he did to you, believe them. They’re telling you where their loyalty lies.
It hurts. It feels like betrayal. But in the long run, you’re better off without people who would rather avoid discomfort than support a friend in pain.
When You Work Together: Extreme Professional Boundaries
This is brutal. You can’t avoid him. You can’t block him. You have to see his face, hear his voice, and act like everything is fine.
But you can create emotional distance even in close physical proximity.
Keep It Strictly Professional:
- All communication is work-related only.
- Use email whenever possible instead of in-person conversations. It creates a paper trail and limits personal interaction.
- If you have to speak to him in person, keep it brief and focused on the task. “I need the report by Friday. Thanks.” Then walk away.
Gray Rock at Work Too:
When he tries to chat, engage you in small talk, or bring up personal topics, you become a robot.
Him: “How was your weekend?”
You: “Fine. Did you finish the budget analysis?”
Him: “You look tired. Are you okay?”
You: “I’m fine. I need to get back to this project.”
Give him nothing. No emotion. No personal information. No openings.
Avoid Being Alone With Him:
- Take meetings in conference rooms, not his office or yours.
- If you have to discuss something, do it in a common area where others are present.
- Decline invitations to lunch, coffee, or after-work drinks… even if they’re “just about work.”
Document Everything:
If he starts making your work life difficult… undermining you in meetings, spreading rumors, “forgetting” to include you on emails… document it.
Keep a log: dates, times, what was said, who was present. If it escalates to harassment, you’ll have evidence for HR.
Know Your Rights:
If you’re being harassed or if the work environment becomes hostile, you have legal protections. Talk to HR. Talk to a lawyer if needed.
You don’t have to suffer in silence just because you work together.
Consider a Transfer or New Job (If Possible):
This isn’t giving up. This isn’t letting him win. This is choosing your mental health.
If staying at this job means daily exposure to someone who hurt you, and if there’s any possibility of moving to a different department or finding a new job altogether, consider it.
You deserve to work in an environment where you feel safe and respected. Sometimes, the healthiest boundary is a physical one.
The Hardest Part: Sticking to It When You’re Lonely
You’re going to have weak moments. Moments where you’re tempted to text him, call him, or “just check in.”
Here’s how to resist:
Create Friction: Delete his number. Block him on all platforms. Make it physically harder to contact him in a moment of weakness.
Have an Accountability Person: Someone you can text when you’re tempted. “I want to call him.” Let them talk you down.
Write a Letter You’ll Never Send: Pour everything out on paper. Then burn it, delete it, or shred it. Get the words out without actually sending them.
Remember Why You Left: Keep a note in your phone listing all the reasons you went no contact. Every cruel thing he said. Every time he hurt you. Read it when you start to miss him.
Ride the Wave: The urge to contact him will pass. It always does. It might take five minutes or five hours, but it will pass. Distract yourself. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Watch a stupid movie. Just don’t reach out.
You’re Not Punishing Him… You’re Protecting You
No contact isn’t about being mean or getting revenge. It’s about giving yourself the space to heal without constantly reopening the wound.
Every time you interact with him, you’re pouring a little bit of your energy back into someone who doesn’t deserve it. You’re reminding your nervous system of the pain, the anxiety, the heartbreak.
No contact is how you take that energy back. It’s how you redirect it toward yourself, toward your healing, toward the life you’re rebuilding.
Is it hard? Yes.
Is it lonely sometimes? Absolutely.
Is it worth it? Every single time.
You’re stronger than you think. And you’re going to make it through this.
