You used to know who you were.
You had opinions. Preferences. Boundaries. A sense of what you liked, what you didn’t, what you deserved.
And then he came along.
Slowly, piece by piece, he dismantled you. He questioned your judgment until you stopped trusting yourself. He criticized your appearance until you saw yourself through his eyes. He mocked your feelings until you started believing you were too sensitive, too much, too broken.
And now, even though he’s gone, you’re left standing in the wreckage trying to figure out who you are without him.
Your self-worth didn’t just take a hit. It was systematically destroyed. And rebuilding it isn’t about slapping on some positive affirmations and calling it a day. It’s about doing the deep, uncomfortable work of remembering who you were before him… and becoming someone even stronger.
Here’s how.
Stop Waiting for External Validation to Feel Worthy
One of the cruelest things about toxic relationships is that they train you to seek approval outside yourself.
He made you believe that your worth was conditional. That you were only valuable if you were quiet enough, pretty enough, agreeable enough. If you made him happy.
And now, even with him gone, you’re still seeking that validation. From new partners. From friends. From likes on social media. From anyone who will tell you that you’re enough.
But here’s the truth: no amount of external validation will ever fill the hole he created. Because the hole isn’t about other people… it’s about you learning to validate yourself.
Start here: Make a list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with other people’s opinions.
Not “people say I’m kind.” But “I’m kind, and I see it when I check on my friend who’s going through a hard time.”
Not “I’ve been told I’m smart.” But “I figured out how to fix my car myself, and that made me proud.”
Your worth exists independent of anyone else’s perception. Practice seeing it.
Reclaim the Pieces of Yourself You Abandoned
He didn’t like your friends, so you stopped seeing them.
He thought your hobbies were silly, so you quit.
He made fun of your music, your clothes, your laugh, so you changed them.
You spent so long molding yourself into what he wanted that you forgot what you actually wanted.
Now is the time to take it all back.
Reconnect with old friends. Yes, it’ll be awkward. Yes, you’ll have to explain where you’ve been. But real friends will understand. And even if they don’t, trying is better than staying isolated.
Pick up old hobbies. Remember when you used to paint? Write? Dance in your living room? Do that again. It doesn’t matter if you’re “good” at it. It matters that it’s yours.
Rediscover your taste. Go to a coffee shop and order what you actually want, not what he would’ve approved of. Buy the clothes you like, even if they’re “too bold” or “too much.” Listen to the music that makes you feel alive, even if he would’ve rolled his eyes.
Every small choice you make for yourself is an act of rebellion. And every act of rebellion is a step toward reclaiming your identity.
Grieve Who You Were… And Who You’ll Never Be Again
You can’t go back to who you were before him. That version of you is gone.
And that’s okay.
You’re not trying to rewind. You’re trying to rebuild. And the person you’re becoming is someone who has survived hell and come out the other side.
Give yourself permission to grieve the innocence you lost. The trust that’s harder to give now. The lightness that used to come so easily.
But also recognize: you’ve gained things too. Strength. Discernment. The ability to spot red flags from a mile away. A bullshit detector that’s finely tuned.
You’re not broken. You’re scarred. And scars are proof that you healed.
Set Boundaries Like Your Life Depends on It (Because It Does)
One of the biggest signs that your self-worth is coming back? You start saying no.
No to plans that drain you.
No to people who take more than they give.
No to situations that make you uncomfortable.
No to anyone who treats you like you’re optional.
Boundaries aren’t mean. They’re not selfish. They’re the foundation of self-respect.
Practice saying no without over-explaining:
“I can’t make it, but thanks for thinking of me.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not available.”
You don’t owe anyone a justification for protecting your peace.
And here’s the thing: when you start setting boundaries, some people will push back. They’ll call you cold, difficult, or changed.
Good. You have changed. You’re no longer a doormat, and that’s going to be uncomfortable for people who benefited from you not having boundaries.
Let them be uncomfortable. Your job isn’t to make everyone else comfortable. Your job is to protect yourself.
Stop Apologizing for Existing
He made you feel like everything you did was wrong. So now you apologize constantly.
“Sorry, I’m probably being annoying.”
“Sorry for bothering you.”
“Sorry, I’m just really emotional right now.”
Stop.
You don’t have to apologize for having needs, feelings, or preferences. You don’t have to shrink yourself to make room for everyone else.
Challenge yourself: Every time you’re about to say “sorry” for something that isn’t actually wrong, pause. Rephrase.
Instead of “Sorry for rambling,” try “Thanks for listening.”
Instead of “Sorry I’m upset,” try “I’m upset, and that’s okay.”
You take up space in the world. You’re allowed to.
Rebuild Trust with Yourself
The hardest part of recovering from a toxic relationship isn’t learning to trust other people again. It’s learning to trust yourself.
Because he made you doubt your own reality. He convinced you that your feelings were wrong, your perceptions were off, your instincts couldn’t be trusted.
And now, even when something feels off, you second-guess yourself. “Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m being paranoid.”
Here’s how you rebuild that trust:
Start small. Make a decision… what to eat for dinner, what movie to watch… and stick with it. Don’t poll five people for their opinions. Don’t second-guess. Just choose, and trust that your choice is valid.
As you get more comfortable, scale up. Trust your gut when someone gives you a weird feeling. Trust yourself when you don’t want to go to an event. Trust that if something feels wrong, it probably is.
Every time you honor your instincts and it works out okay, you’re rebuilding that neural pathway: “I can trust myself.”
It takes time. Be patient.
Surround Yourself with People Who Reflect Your Worth Back to You
You can’t rebuild self-worth in isolation. You need mirrors… people who see you clearly and reflect back the truth of who you are.
Find people who:
- Celebrate your wins without jealousy.
- Call you out when you’re self-sabotaging, but with love.
- Remind you of your strength when you forget.
- Don’t make you feel like you have to earn their affection.
If you don’t have people like that in your life right now, find them. Join support groups. Go to therapy. Engage in communities (online or offline) where people are doing the same work you are.
You become who you surround yourself with. Choose people who make you feel like the best version of yourself.
Do the Thing That Scares You
Confidence isn’t built by affirmations. It’s built by evidence.
Every time you do something hard and survive it, you prove to yourself that you’re capable.
So do the thing that scares you.
Apply for the job you think you’re not qualified for.
Go to dinner alone.
Take the trip you’ve been putting off.
Sign up for the class.
Start the project.
You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to do it afraid.
And every time you do, you’re telling yourself: “I am capable. I am brave. I am enough.”
Be Compassionate with Yourself on the Hard Days
Healing isn’t linear.
Some days you’ll feel unstoppable. You’ll wake up knowing your worth, setting boundaries, living your life with confidence.
And some days, you’ll feel like you’re right back where you started. Small. Worthless. Broken.
On those days, be gentle with yourself.
You’re not failing. You’re healing. And healing is messy and slow and full of setbacks.
Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend. You wouldn’t tell a friend she’s pathetic for having a bad day. You’d remind her how far she’s come. You’d tell her it’s okay to rest.
Do that for yourself.
Remember: Your Worth Was Never His to Determine
He didn’t give you your worth. He can’t take it away.
Your worth is inherent. It exists because you exist. It’s not something you earn. It’s not something you lose.
He convinced you otherwise. He made you believe that your value was tied to his approval, his affection, his presence.
But that was always a lie.
You were whole before him. You’re whole after him.
And one day… maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day… you’re going to wake up and realize you believe that again.
You’re going to look in the mirror and see someone strong, resilient, worthy of love.
You’re going to set a boundary without guilt.
You’re going to trust your instincts without second-guessing.
You’re going to know, deep in your bones, that you deserve better… and you won’t settle for less.
That day is coming.
Keep going.
