It’s late at night, and you find yourself scrolling through old photos, remembering the good times with your ex. You know the relationship wasn’t healthy.
You remember the fights, the manipulation, and how drained you felt. But still, a part of you longs for them, and you can’t help but wonder: Why do I still miss someone who hurt me?
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone. Missing an ex—especially one from a toxic relationship—is confusing and painful. But there’s a reason for these feelings, and understanding them is the first step to breaking free. Let’s explore why this happens and how you can heal.
The Psychology of Attachment: Why You Miss Him
1. Love Is Addictive
Relationships—healthy or not—change the way our brains work. When we feel close to someone, our bodies release chemicals like dopamine (the “feel-good” hormone) and oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone). These chemicals create a sense of connection and pleasure, making us feel safe and loved.
In toxic relationships, the highs and lows of emotional rollercoasters can make this bond even stronger. The moments of affection after a fight or the rare displays of kindness create a cycle of craving and reward that feels almost addictive. You’re not just missing your ex—you’re missing the dopamine rush that came with the relationship.
2. Trauma Bonds Keep You Hooked
If your ex was controlling, manipulative, or inconsistent, you may have experienced something called a trauma bond. This happens when someone alternates between affection and mistreatment, making you feel like you have to “earn” their love. Over time, this dynamic can create a deep emotional attachment, even if the relationship was harmful.
Trauma bonds make it hard to let go because your brain associates their love with survival. It’s not just about missing them; it’s about untangling a pattern your mind has been conditioned to rely on.
3. Nostalgia Is Deceptive
Our brains have a funny way of filtering memories. Over time, we tend to forget the bad moments and focus on the good ones. You might find yourself remembering the sweet texts, the laughter, or the way they held you, while minimizing the tears, anxiety, or emotional pain.
This selective memory can lead you to romanticize the relationship and create a version of your ex that isn’t rooted in reality. You’re not missing them—you’re missing the idea of them.
How to Stop Idealizing the Past
1. Face the Truth About the Relationship
It’s time for a reality check. Make a list of all the toxic behaviors or red flags you ignored in the relationship. Write down how they made you feel during fights or how you had to walk on eggshells around them. Seeing these truths on paper can help you stop sugarcoating the past.
Ask yourself: Would I want someone I love to experience this kind of relationship? If the answer is no, then you know deep down it wasn’t good for you.
2. Challenge the Fantasy
Often, we don’t miss the person—we miss the potential we thought they had. Maybe you believed they could change or that the relationship could eventually become healthy. But holding onto that fantasy only keeps you stuck in the past.
Remind yourself of who they really were, not who you hoped they could be. Acknowledge that missing someone who consistently hurt you doesn’t mean you want them back—it means you’re human.
3. Reframe the Narrative
Instead of focusing on what you lost, focus on what you gained. What lessons did the relationship teach you? How did it make you stronger? Every experience, even painful ones, can help you grow into a better version of yourself.
What’s Next? The Path to Emotional Freedom
You’ve already taken the first step: recognizing that you’re stuck in a cycle of missing someone who wasn’t good for you. But moving forward requires more than just time—it takes intentional effort and guidance.
Here’s the truth: letting go of a toxic relationship isn’t just about “getting over it.” It’s about learning how to break the patterns that keep you attached, rediscovering your worth, and rebuilding your confidence. This isn’t something you have to figure out alone.
At [Your Coaching Company Name], we specialize in helping women like you break free from toxic relationships and reclaim control of their lives. Through personalized coaching and proven strategies, we’ll guide you from feeling stuck and confused to empowered and free.
Imagine This:
- Waking up without the constant ache of missing him.
- Feeling confident and secure in who you are.
- Knowing how to spot red flags and avoid toxic patterns in the future.
- Building a life that feels exciting, fulfilling, and entirely your own.
If you’re ready to take the next step, we’re here to help. It’s not just about “moving on”—it’s about leveling up and creating the life and love you deserve.
You Deserve Better
Missing your ex, even after a toxic relationship, doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. But don’t let those feelings trick you into going back to something that hurt you. You deserve love that feels safe, kind, and fulfilling. And the first step to finding that love is letting go of what wasn’t right for you.
Healing takes effort, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re ready to reclaim your power and start fresh, we’re here to help you every step of the way.
Ready to move forward?
Click here to learn how we can work together and help you break free for good.